Brace yourselves, I’m about to school.
Now, I am not the authority on all things drag, in fact I can definitely improve, even add some new skills to my limited abilities. Let’s make things clear, I know my flaws. As they say “there is always room for improvement.
Now that that is said and out of the way… I will proceed with the #reading.
I may not be a brilliant dancer, or a spirited lip syncher, instead my performances are more of a somnambulistic beauty. But that is what I’m good at, and I definitely know how to walk on some fucking heels. You can’t touch my stiletto strides, I know what I’m doing.
New queens need to realize that this ability needs just as much dedication as perfecting the #hombreeyebrow , the #shablamdeathdrop , and the#nickiminajlipsynch . Walking in heels beautifully is against nature and the art is to make it look like you were born with spikes protruding, from your heel. Do not go on stage teetering and bobbing without proper practice first. Your friends at home are being nice to you when they tell you how fierce you are in your Aldo 5 inch spike ankle booties. What they should tell you is you look crazy. Taking small petite steps with your elbows close to your body, flailing your wrists to balance your man body, and sweating…is eeeeeew. Looking like a sissy (vegan) tyrannosaurus on roller skates. Looking like a short armed Sasquatch with an ingrown toenail. If your belly pulls you forward and off balance and you are about to face plant, try sitting with your legs crossed, or a corset.
I suggest doing your household chores in some practice heels, and if that doesn’t work, master the art of laying on your back beautifully with your hoof all pretty like. If you can’t do that, may I suggest a #croc?
After all it don’t matter if the shoe is pretty, if you’re walking like a drunk baby in them.
The library is closed.
Jared in the bathroom #1
I just checked my inbox on tumblr and found thousands of messages I’ve never seen or read! Thank you to all the lovely notes and letters!! Love you all.